pain inside

I’m having a bad day. I had to drag A to a co-worker of mines wedding, and we missed most of it because he erased the time off the board and I thought it was at 2, but it was at 1. That’s not why it was bad though. A’s friend called to chat and said he’s having a girl. This guy has a baby who is not very old, and married the girl who had it…let me back up and tell their story. So friend moves out of town to get away from his ex and hooks up with girl. Girl says she’s pregnant, wants an abortion, plans it, yada yada yada, friend doesn’t even think its his because he caught her cheating on him. Anyways friend moves back to town because girl won’t talk to him and so why stay? Moves back in with ex. Tries to hook up with my friend. Months later girl comes into town with 5 month old baby boy, looks like friend, they decide to get married, get married I think it was in March? They found out they are having a girl sometime between then and now.

That is what broke the camels back so to speak. We went to the wedding, came home, and I laid on the bed and cried for about two hours unable to move. I should have had a baby last July, it would have been a boy. He died. It seams like I am being punished. Everyone around us is having babies and A won’t let me try for one, and doesn’t want one now, and all I want is for the pain to go away. Last February I had a D and C because his body would not leave mine, but his heart wasn’t going and hadn’t been for over two weeks when I finally had the procedure. I thought at the time I’d be over it by now. It’s been so long but I still mourn for the baby I was never able to hold, the son I never got to kiss, the child I never got to meet.

It’s painful in every day life to see moms with babies who are about the age he would have been. It hurts to see moms with two so close in age when mine could have been. I had a co-worker who left the company who had a due date right near mine. Then after I lost him, one of my co-workers announced she was pregnant and has a baby boy. A manager of the store I am in now but wasn’t at the time had her baby boy last June, so that whole time ached when we would get together for meetings, and the manager there now just had a baby. This friend’s first baby was born in August last year. I had a friend have her baby in September. A has some co workers who are expecting a boy in September or October this year and I have to keep seeing them because he likes them to watch R when he is supposed to find the babysitter. One of my co-workers announced two or three weeks ago she’s pregnant, as quite a shock since she thought she was going through menopause when the doctor told her, she has an 18 and a 14 year old. Then this friend. I really….it hurts so badly and I can’t escape it and it keeps getting shoved in my face. I know I am in that time in my life where people are going to start having kids and starting their families but it just hurts so much.

I am surprised some days that I make it through, and A today after seeing that I didn’t move the whole two hours he was gone renting R a movie (Dora of course) as a special treat said “did that really upset you that much?” and I said “yes, for a very long time I have felt like this.” I don’t want to go out of the house in fear of seeing more people who are pregnant, or who have little boys, or have babies. It’s pathetic and sad I know, but it always hurts. I wish I could just lie in bed and cry and mourn and I don’t know what else, but I can’t. I have to celebrate the life I do have. I do have a wonderful two year old. (who is currently fighting going to sleep, every 20 minutes or so she cries for about 5 and then is quiet for a while again). I have my health, I have someone who stands by me, even if he sometimes is the source of my frustration. I have all of my extended family and they love me.

But I still have pain, and I wish I could make it go away.

quilts

I took two of my quilts into work today to show a co-worker who I just learned is a quilter. She’s in her 40’s or so…not that that makes a difference, but it makes more sense for her to be a passionate quilter than it does me, a young 20 something, then again I am not normal as A likes to point out. She really liked the one I made R (which I made so many mistakes with) and loved the one I made for R’s playmate E. from her reaction to E’s quilt, I might actually be good at this!

I showed the quilts to a few friends (one person I used to work with, and his sister who is a regular…both in their 60’s). on my way out the door and they encouraged me to enter E’s quilt into the show in town. I think it happens every other year, and I dragged A and R to it last summer, A actually had some fun and even worn a door prize. I need to look into it and ask my friend if I can get it back for the show, but I think I should. Then again I follow the patterns in the magazines, I am not coming up with my own, although I’d like to get to that point.

I also took a moment to show my co-worker my scrapbook about the quilts I have already made, so I am up to 5 finishes, and the 6th top is done. She liked the way I scraped the stuff (I have little mementos, a picture, some scrap fabric, and a story about the quilt as well as the completion date.) She said “before you know it, this book will be full” I hope so!!

She also told me that she has a neighbor who is a professional quilter and has a long arm machine. The neighbor enjoys teaching people how to use the long arm and you can rent out the machine for a while to quilt your tops, which would be great if I ever make the quilt I want to for A as a wedding present (even though it would be more for me because it’s the colors I like, but it’s the thought that counts). This neighbor also designs her own quilt patterns and before shows and for magazines will ask people to “power sew” for her, then I think she said that this woman will quilt or finish them the way she wants, enter them into whatever she’s doing, and when everything’s over, it’s yours! WOW! My co-worker invited me to come over and visit with both her and her neighbor, and even asked me to bring R. WOW!

day dreams

I have been thinking about this post for a few days now, but housework has kept me from taking the time to write it, not tha tI feel like I am caught up now, but A’s at work and R’s down for the night after a long walk to the park and many adventures there, so I have a moment to think and put my thoughts into sentences. It’s amazing what peace and quiet (and a few things crossed off my to do list) will give me!

I had to walk home from work on Monday, A had the car to take R to the babysitters and I had to walk home. It’s about a mile and a half and I walked at a steady, almost brisk pace to hurry home and have some peace and quiet before R got home, but she was there (with the sitters of course) waiting for me. Bummer. On the walk I had a lot of time to let my mind wander, something that I rarely have been able to do lately. I came to a few conclusions.

The first of which that came to me was the idea of taking 30minutes to an hour each day as just me time. This would not be time to clean, or cook dinner, or even plan something for R, but just to explore who I am, to be by myself, to do something I like. I doubt it will happen each day, but it’s a nice goal and something I will strive to provide for myself. I have not told A about this, that’s on the agenda for tomorrow when we will have some time together. I think I need it though. I feel so stretched thin with work and home that I need to take some time to revive myself. I think he will understand, at least I hope he does. I will let you all know how it goes. I think the biggest challenge will not be getting him on board, but not feeling guilty about doing something for myself, like quilting, or working on a puzzle when there’s housework to do.

Something else that caught my attention was how much better I felt walking around in a nice warm sun, just daydreaming. Mostly about houses I wouldn’t mind living in and those I would not want to (big castle like houses I walked past, I have a hard enough time keeping my small apartment clean, I don’t want to have to worry about a huge house!) I also had a bit more patience with R that afternoon and more energy. I need to get out and enjoy the fresh air some more, get more exercise. I will admit I am worn out to the core, but I did see that I was a little lighter in spirits after getting the blood flowing.

As I mentioned I was daydreaming about houses, I would love to buy a house and then eventually work on building one for us. I have a few ideas and would like to take a drafting class to learn how to draw house plans and work on some that I might like. I used to draw out houses and could do rough sketches on graph paper. Maybe I will start that for now and then work up, or maybe find someone who can do a real one for us. I don’t know how realistic this idea is since A’s not too handy, but it would be nice to add my own touches to a house and have it built and designed for me. There are a lot of houses out there I do like. Most important to me would be a nice deck, a big fenced in yard, and some large bushes that R could create her own secret world like I used to. (I think lilac bushes would be nice for that!) I also want to have a garden for flowers, fruits and veggies. Rose bushes are a MUST! I have so many good memories of both my mom and my Pop-Pop caring for their rose bushes and the smell of those big, beautiful garden roses. I also want at least two, maybe two and a half baths, a laundry room up with the bedrooms, a master suite, two bedrooms and an office/guestroom. I would love to have both a formal and informal dining room and a nice living room, but that’s for later down the road, right now just two baths and three bedrooms will do. I like to dream big though!

vacation!

Alright, after trying twice to write this and having the computer crash or something…freeze up mostly, here I go again while antivirus is running. I think it’s just been on too long, but grrr.
Anyways. I have been meaning to update my blog for a while now. We were just on vacation visiting my family and while I had ample time to write, I just felt weird doing so on my parents computer. Why, I don’t know but I did. We had fun with my parents, my brother and his girlfriend (who I ADORE!) as well as a few days with my moms parents, and two of her sisters. I love my extended family and wish I could spend more time with them. Nana and Pop-pop especially have such great stories to listen to and learn from.

While we were out there, we had a lot of celebrations. The first was my brothers high school graduation. Secondly, R’s second birthday! (I will post more on that later, once I get some pictures of her opening presents my aunt took pics of her.) then we celebrated my dads parents 50th anniversary at their church. Lastly, it was my moms parents 57th anniversary the day they left, but we didn’t have time to do anything too special, just send them to the airport with cards.

While out there, I again was caught up in the quilting bug. I flipped through the stack of quilting magazines my mom had (that I could find) and made copies of the quilts I like. I also semi “raided” her fabric stash. Really I was looking for my parts of a quilt we started together, but I couldn’t find it. I will have to take some time and look up the pattern again, or plan a trip to help her clean up my old bedroom (AGAIN) and the storage room (dumping room, which my bedroom is becoming) and see if we can find the fabric and parts.

Something I noticed that she has a problem with is projects. She has several quilts almost finished, a bunch more in various stages of progress and even more that aren’t even started but the fabric is purchased for. I made a commitment to myself that I will work on one quilt start to finish so I don’t have that problem. I will admit at this moment I have two projects going on. One almost finished, the other I just cut the fabric. Reason for this exception, I didn’t have the car today and I am out of thread for the first one. I will finish it before I sew more.

Speaking of projects, I need to track my commitments to projects in their appropriate order:
1) R’s quilt (just finishing)
2) R’s playmates quilt (cut fabric for)
3) Aunt J’s quilt (need to see if I have enough fabric for the size she wants, but do what I have enough for)
4) A’s quilt (buy fabric for this one and 5’s at the same time…same theme)
5) My friend A’s son’s quilt (and she’s going to make one at the same time just a different pattern)
6) A’s sisters quilt…she doesn’t know about it yet, and A hasn’t picked out a pattern yet or colors but he liked the thought of us doing this for her) maybe for Christmas, or her birthday.
7) I have one pattern I like and another I’d like to find but have seen (if anyone has the McCall’s Quilting, April 2005 it’s the cover quilt!) as a gift to A and I for our wedding
8) Something with Dora for R…and/or a bigger quilt for her bigger bed
9) The missing quilt….Gypsy Dancer

Phew! I had more than I thought I did on my list, I am glad I wrote it out!!

death around

The past few days, there has been some sad news all around. Today’s newspaper reported that two young boys drowned this weekend in a camping/go kart-ing accident, their lives were cut far too short. Yesterdays paper reported a gentleman who was older, but still too young to die drowned in a fishing accident. Today while working, one of my co-workers received a message that a former employees brother drank himself to death last night. I don’t know if he was older or younger than my co-worker, but either way, far too young to go.

While I am not directly affected by any of these deaths it seems that it is lurking around. Perhaps its because my brother is about to venture out on his own without anyone to protect him. Maybe its because I Am a mother and I am worried about my child’s well being, or maybe it’s just that I see how delicate and precious life is. My heart goes out to these families, I hope their pain is eased with time. I wish I had a profound word to share with the world, with these people, with my daughter, instead I stand still.

who am i?

I have been blogging a lot, a lot more than I thought I would , and about things I didn’t think were important to me. I have been writing when I could be matching socks, or cleaning, but I have also felt less anger, less frustration, and have become more in touch with myself. I am learning who I am now instead of what I am. Yes, I am a mother, I am a spouse, I am an employee who works darn hard if I do say so myself, but who is Lisa?

The past few months work has become, not fun. I have been working over 35 hours a week, and most of those weeks have been close to 40 if not over. I am not complaining because the money has been good, but working that many hours on your feet, in a job that you have to be positive and engaging and dynamic can wear you out. I have been so focused on work, and so focused on how much I wish A would help out with the household work (I KNOW he doesn’t like it, I KNOW he isn’t good at it, so why to I expect him to do it?) I have lost the focus on what I enjoy, on what I want to do, who I want to be, and why I love my job, why I love my home. I have let myself escape into this negative cloud because it was easier.

I am not saying that I am going to burst out of his negative, exhausted attitude, but at least I see that that’s where I am right now. I am in a place where I need to take care of myself, I need to do those things that I enjoy. I need to reconnect with who I am. I wish I could take some time off from work and go on a private retreat, or go out with some friends for more than a few hours, more than a meal. I need some time to discover what it is that motivates me, that I enjoy, and what relaxes me. I need to take the time to be me again, just me.

really frustraited

Please beware this is going to be a rather negative post, and aimed mostly at A, but not that he’s the problem entirely, but he is not part of the solution.

I got my tips today, and what happened? I spent it all. That’s right, I spent all my tips that were supposed to be saved up for our trip. Why? Well, I needed gas in the car, and that was a good chunk of it. A wanted a new work shirt, and we had to get some anniversary cards, a graduation card, some potting soil, and that’s where everything went. Why is it so much, and worse off why is it that I can’t spend money without having a panic attack and regret over every purchase. A has spent $220 so far this month not including his tips, my tips…what the hell!! I guess the dollar amount doesn’t surprise or upset me, just the fact that there’s no regret about it on his end. I am jealous and wish that I had that freedom.

I am not a sexist, but I feel like the man should be able to support the family. I don’t mind contributing, I don’t mind supplementing, and even if he could support the family by himself I would work, but I am worn out to the core, I am exhausted, I am stressed, and I am doing everything for the house too. I am cleaning, cooking…well I haven’t been doing that the past few days because I cleaned the kitchen and it’s sparkling I’d rather not mess it up to clean again =) I am working 40+ hours a week, and I am doing all the parenting. A gets to do the fun stuff and I am encouraging him to take her out and do things with her, but I am the disciplinarian, I am the ritual setter, I am the potty trainer. Tonight for example, A was trying to get R down for night night because he wanted to. Well it’s two hours later and she’s still screaming because he didn’t want to follow the routine, he wanted to do something special. He left and told me to call when she’s down. Thanks honey! I have to work at 5 am tomorrow, it’s 9:30!!

With this promotion that I am going for, I know I will be working about 40 hours a week, it won’t be consistent hours, but I think the move and the raise and the change of…everything, will be good for us. In the mean time I am just feeling overwhelmed, over worked, over exhorted. I am really looking forward to some time off of work. I need a break. If we don’t get this promotion this time there will be another opportunity in probably November that I will go for, and I will take some vacation time to just unwind, take care of the house and to take care of myself. If I get it I will take the same time off to pack and move things. It’s been a while since I have had some personal time. I need it. I think it will help my outlook.

A has agreed to have a sit down after we get back from vacation to figure out some new money problems. We will set a date, find a babysitter, do it somewhere other than home, and not a nice restaurant or somewhere else that might be crowded. We will be rested, and…we need it.
Tomorrow I have a short shift, just under 6 hours, and R and I will walk home so A can take the car to work (I get off at 10:45 he works at 11...so he will walk down and trade the car for the stroller) hopefully he will take R out for either a dinner date or some play time and I can clean the living room and her room. That’s my hopes and goals for tomorrow. I will write him a note and tape it to the TV and ask him for that. I see it happening unless he picked up an evening shift too, that would be another hope for tomorrow, which would bring my cleaning down to just the living room. Or the laundry.

I feel better, I just wish I had a plan of action.

house-ing?

With a possible move on the horizon, we are talking about buying a house instead of renting. We are realistic about what we can afford and are probably going to look into either a townhouse just to get our feet wet, or something that we can put some sweat equity into. We have some inheritance money that we will use for a down payment, and we won’t want to pay more than what we do in rent (or just a little more) and I have been looking for a tool to use to find out how much house that means we can buy. All I see are the ones you enter your income, or you enter the mortgage amount you want. I need to go the other direction. I guess we can go to the bank and talk about this and figure it out, but we are not quite there. I would like to have a 15 year mortgage but 30 is more realistic for us I think. I just want to pay more principal than interest!

My old landlord came into work today, twice. He has a new job and is moving to Bozeman. He kicked us out of our apartment because he lost his house. He asked about our new place and I said we might be moving again, hopefully. He said “oh no, what happened?” and I explained that we are hopefully getting out of this town, and we are in a place where we might buy, and he said to call him he has some friends in the town we are hoping to get to that are realtors. As much as I think he’s a jerky man for making us homeless for 3 weeks and kicking us out of our home just before Christmas, I will give his friends a shot. We will need someone who is patient and willing to take their time with us and guide us through the process.

I have not been feeling well the past few days. Just exhausted and nauseous, and have had several migraines. I know you might be thinking “pregnant?” nope. On BC and poor A, I’ve been so worn out that we haven’t practiced making a baby in over a month, so that’s not possible. The side effects of me feeling ickie and being tired is that the house is a mess!!!! I should be cleaning right now, but I am sitting down, with my legs pressed up against my tummy and typing which doesn’t involve movement of the core or my head. I hope I feel better tomorrow, or Tuesday which I have off so I can get some cleaning done. Before I felt ickie I got the laundry caught up and folded and the kitchen is sparkling, but the rest of the place is MESSY!! Maybe one of my friends will take Regina and I can sleep and clean. She loves those play dates!

school

A and I have had a long standing debate about where to raise our kids, I want to go back to the Seattle area to be near my parents and he is worried they will be like his mom and come by whenever they want (which is not how I was raised, and they have their own busy lives, it would just be nice to have them close enough to help out when we would like to get away like my grandparents did, but not too close they know what we do at all hours.) Today I found this article:
The Top of the Class
The complete list of the 1,300 top U.S. high schools
Newsweek Web Exclusive
(can be found at http://www.newsweek.com/id/39380/?q=2008/rank/301/ )
These are the schools near where my parents live and where I went to high school, though I went to private school, and this article only addressed public schools.
10 International School Bellevue Wash.
31 Newport Bellevue Wash.
45 Interlake Bellevue Wash.
62 Bellevue Bellevue Wash.
163 Sammamish Bellevue Wash.
1152 Issaquah Issaquah Wash.
These schools are all of what’s in Montana, neither of these towns are near me.
602 Stevensville Stevensville Mont.
606 Bozeman Bozeman Mont. 1.845
I have been arguing that my education was more challenging, more encompassing and more diverse than what A got here in this town, and I still stand firm, with a little bit of evidence. If we don’t move out to the places I want to live I will have to figure out a way to supplement R’s education and enhance it. I want my child to be worldly, accepting, and understanding of herself and others.

I am going to start looking into preschool for R when we figure out where we will be. I can't belive it's begining already!

headachs of many kinds

Lately I have been imagining moving, and getting out of this town. When I mention that to friends and co-workers, they always ask “what about A?” “will he go with you?” Well, duh! What really gets me is that if it were him that were going for the promotion and transfer everyone would just assume I was on board. Everyone would be asking when we will know, what I am looking forward to and what not, not if I was going with him. Why is it that since the woman in the house is going for it people assume I am trying to get away from him instead of just better both our lives? Just an interesting observation.

I am sick of my migraines, and I have them almost every day I am not working. It must be my exhaustion and what not and since I can’t have them when I work, they know this and haunt me when I have [plans to clean and cook and do things around the house. Since no one is really affected by whether or not I do those things at home, but they sure are affected if I were to try and call in sick. I am sick of it though!!!

I was planning on going to the craft store and buying some buttons to finish R’s quilt, but it’s hot outside. A and I are going to run errands tomorrow, maybe I can sneak that one in as one too, or maybe I will hit it up on my way home from work tomorrow. We will have to see. We are getting the car fixed next week I hope, if not then we are cutting it close to our departure day, but we will get it taken care of for sure. I just have to wait for that to happen to pay bills because the car is our number one priority, followed second by rent.

my mothers day!

Today on msn.com, my home page of choice, there were quotes from famous people on being a mother, these two stood out to me:
“We are together, my child and I. Mother and child, yes, but sisters really, against whatever denies us all that we are.”-- Alice Walker (1944- ), American author and poet.
“It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.”-- Erma Bombeck (1927-1996), American newspaper columnist and author.
While I don’t have any profound words on motherhood, I do know that it’s the best, most challenging, most rewarding job I have had or could imagine having. I also think that it’s the one I would most like a vacation from at times, but when I am free of the munchkin, I miss her. Even when she goes out with Daddy on a date or something, I long for her companionship.

I either have really bad allergies or a cold, or both since no meds are making me feel better. I don’t like it one bit!! But other than that things are going really well for me. I will have to do an update later about things that are happening, but for now, I Am going to go enjoy my daughter and my day!

my daredevil

I have quite the little dare devil on my hands. Except she is hesitant in most areas…R is definitely a silly girl. Today we went to the park, and while she wanted us to hold her hand each time she moved from one level to the next (think steps, not big differences) and wouldn’t jump like the other kids off a little ledge thing, she went down the slides with the greatest of ease. I kept telling A that the slide was too big for her, that we’d scare her, but he insisted she’d be fine if I caught her. He was right. She went down the first big tube one giggling, over and over. Then she saw another bigger tube one and was half way in the tube to go down before A and I were in position. She loved it! My little daredevil!

I just made the worst pot of coffee ever. I am trying to drink a cup and can’t figure out what went wrong. I know what you are thinking, I am a Barista at one of the most competitive coffee companies, how can I make bad coffee? Work and home are different. I know the measurements for the coffee at work, I have no idea what to do in my own coffee pot. Plus I don’t even like coffee…I just wanted something warm, aromatic, and am sick of my tea collection. I guess I should have had oatmeal =)

I need to get to work on the house, but it’s getting late. The one problem with being a hands on mom, I never have time to clean during the day and am too tired at night. I hope A will take R out this week sometime and I can have some alone time with the house, and maybe my pillow! I hopefully will have three days off next week AND will only be scheduled about 30 hours, so I can take my personal day. That will be nice!

nothign new

We will get to see my family in one month! I am so ready! I need to get out of this town, I need some time off of work, and I want to see my extended family and get some pictures of everyone before they get too old (grandparents) and before R grows up. I can’t believe she’s almost two! I have already set aside a few things I would like to pack for R and have been thinking about what I would like myself. A and I have agreed that we will save my tip money until we go for the trip’s spending monies, and most likely gas money. We are planning the drive, and working out our game plans etc. Oh I am so excited! (and I still have a month to go!!)

I finished the top of R’s quilt. I have a lot of reflection about it and have learned a lot through it. I will journal about it in my quilt scrapbook too, but I will go more in depth here since this is where I really try to express who I am. To begin with, I learned I need to be more patient. I rushed through piecing the quilt and did not make perfect points, I didn’t get everything to line up and I have a lot of mistakes with my stitching. I think I did this mostly because I didn’t like the fabric and was rushing through it to move onto a quilt I like the fabrics for better. Another lesson learned is that I shouldn’t be bullied into fabric I don’t love. The fabrics and the quilt look too mature for a toddler. They make me think more of a 50 year old woman (even older than my mother makes me think!) It’s dark fabric, and a fun pattern but not in these colors. I will have to make R another quilt either for her toddler bed or start in on a twin size for her. So to recap: I should trust my gut with fabrics, I should not go shopping for them with A’s mom, and I need to slow down and enjoy the process and be more careful, at least until I have stronger quilting skills. I need to layer and quilt the piece as well as bind it, but I am almost done!!

We went to a parade on Friday with my friend from work, and then today we went to the Kite Festival, it’s been a busy weekend for us, and the house is mostly clean. Just cluttered and untidy, not messy! HORRAY! I am off to watch some TV before bed now, and hopefully A will be home from the store soon so I can print some things off (more quilt patterns and some work stuff) if I crash before he gets home, I have tomorrow off too but I have some things I would like to do!

random thoughts

I have hit a wall. A has not called my parents and asked their permission. I have the ring on, but I have not been asked….we are just so backwards here. I don’t want to start planning or asking mom and dad about their help and what not until he talks to them…but I want to get this show on the road. I have been playing around on the knot.com and have a notebook with some scratched down ideas, but I can’t decide anything right now. I know once I begin making decisions and crossing thigns off my list I will have more fun, but this place I am in is between imaginary and real. You know in high school when you were planning your dream wedding to your high school sweetheart, because of course things were going to last forever and money was not the issue. I have the date, but I want the location (other than “back home”) and things like that so I can begin this process. I want to start early so I don’t do what my friend K is going through with “We should have just eloped, there’s not enough time to do all that I want to do! I am getting extra charges for short notice” etc. I want to take my time and enjoy the process. COME ON A!! LET’S GO!!!

I have been thinking of all of R’s words and there’s at least a dozen I forgot on the last post so here are some more (and mind you I am sure I am still forgetting some but trying not to duplicate):
Potty (but she hasn’t put the idea of sitting on the potty and going potty together, she will tell me potty when she wants to sit on it for a minute at the most and potty when she goes in her pull up, so we are making progress!)
Butt (belly button)
Feet
Down
Up (thought she only says that after prompting, she days down for both up and down hehe)!
Phone
Hot! (usually around the oven whether we are cooking or not)
Hat
Nana
Papa
Aunt Jackie
Choo-choo
Don’t
That’s all I can think of for now, but I know she will say either a new one or something that I forgot to write.

I am excited to have Friday and Saturday off, so I am looking forward to it. I need to do some housework and hopefully can finish R’s quilt top (I really don’t like it though and I cut some of the strips wrong aso things aernt lining up quite right and I have been rushing to finish it. It’s just her toddler bed so I will work on her Twin size soon enough but I wish I had slowed down (and not let A’s mom influence my fabric shopping, I REALLY don’t like a few of them for a toddler girl!) c’est la vie!

words

I thought I should take a moment and reflect on R’s development for the moment. Really I want to jot down her words before her vocabulary explodes like I anticipate it doing. In fact, at Starbucks the other day we were having a “girl time” date and the ladies next to us (who really commented a lot on R and how well behaved she was and how confident she seamed to be) said something along the lines of “she’s playing with language and all of a sudden you will see in a month or two she’ll be really talking!” I am excited and dread that day at the same time. So here are her words for now:
Mom-Mom
Mommy
Daddy
Da-Dad
Duckie
Doggie
All-done
No
Yes
Yeah
Hi
Thank you
Please
SHHHH
Shoes
Let’s go!
Ready
Eat
Wa-wa
Bubye
Love you
Night Night
Book
Bear
Baby
Ohhh
Oh no!
Honk honk (how we blow noses in my house)
Shower
Yogurt
Socks
Dora
One
Two
Three
WE!
Juice
Ball
Chips
Cookies
Fishies (both real flish and Goldfish snacks)
I think that’s all for now, but I am sure tomorrow there will be more. I am loving this stage!

a case of the blahs

I have not been meaning to ignore my blog, or not reflect on things. I have no energy! I keep thinking it’s because I am not eating right (but I am more so than I used to!) I also try to blame work, and while that may be some of it, I leave work at work and home is a place to relax. I have been having trouble sleeping in my bed lately, I am not sure why but I have been falling asleep on the couch and then moving to bed once I am out cold. I am just worn out! I need to make my usual drs appointment and will add my exhaustion to the list of things to discuss along with new migraine meds since my current prescription doesn’t do much for me anymore.

R has been causing her normal trouble and running amuck. She has almost figured out night night time which really helps my sanity, but not as much as I need. I need more naps! We are down to one nap which is fine as long as I am not closing…which hits right around the time we start naps, so I drag!

I am doing well on R’s quilt, I am about three hours away from having the top done, minus the borders which I need to buy fabric for. And I only really say three hours because who knows when or it I will be able to get to it this week, and if I do will it be in sputters like it has been? Because if it is that means I have to take everything out and put it back.

I need to get to bed, I am opening tomorrow! UGHH!!!

Easter Sunday!

Today, I ate way too much! People kept offering me candy, and R had a lot that she was offering to me (never turn down a toddler trying to play grown up!) then I tried to counter act the candy with real food, but didn’t feel like making a big mess with dishes, so I just snacked all day. Oh my tummy, and yet no regrets! Every once in a while you need to just indulge! I am sure tomorrow I will feel like counter balancing everything and want apples and carrots or something along those lines.

I have such a bad urge to clean right now, and I know I should just go for it, but my feet hurt (I wore heals today for Easter…it’s been YEARS since I wore heals last, no point at Starbucks!) and I just don’t want to even though I know I need to and I should, and I want the place to be clean. I guess tomorrow I will try. In lieu of actually doing any cleaning today I wrote out a list of deep cleaning projects I want to tackle this month. I have about 30 projects, some are intense, others are fairly simple. I have it sorted by room but that doesn’t mean that I will do them in that order. With the exception of closets, our bedroom, and the desk our place is tidy, just not CLEAN! I always wanted to be one of those CLEAN people and was in college when I only had a little dorm room but it’s harder now.

I put my desk together today. A showed no interest in doing it so R and I put the legs on. I love it! It’s in the living room now about a foot away from this desk so we’ll have to find it a permanent home but for now it works. I washed, dried, ironed and cut the fabric for R’s big girl bed quilt. We will see how it turns out, but I don’t think I am going to like it as much as I thought I would. Mostly because I am not sure how well the fabrics will work together, I think they are going to fight, but I will wait until I judge it until I am finished.

I was expecting two of my friends to stop by today, one was in town visiting family, the other has no family in town but wanted to hang out. I called both of them to let them know I was home for the afternoon (after an egg hunt and other fun Easterie things) and neither of them called me back. That’s ok, I just hope to see them sometime soon! I feel isolated a lot, especially since A usually takes the car to work with him and R is not so great at the company thing yet. Someday she will be though!

horray!

Last night, R had a play date with E. It was the first time they have seen each other, and the first time since Dance Team ended my senior year that M and I saw each other. It was nice. Boy is she back in shape! We talked about that a little bit, the struggle to get to a shape we want to be in. We also talked about the troubles of not sleeping and well, everything mommy hood has to offer and challenge. It took E a while to warm up to us. That’s ok, it’s just amazing how different little ones deal with new situations. Once we got food in everyone’s tummies we were happy again and the girls played together. Chase, and rough housed, played with toys. R learned a few things about her toys, it’s just amazing to watch her with other little kids because I can show her how to put the rings on the peg until my fingers fall off but she would never do it. Another little girl shows her and boom she’s got it down and likes to do it!

I got my desk yesterday, and A should be putting it together this weekend. I don’t know for sure where it will be going but wherever it goes probably will not be it’s permanent home. I just can’t wait to get going on things. I am not sure how R’s quilt will turn out with the fabric A’s mom and I picked out (she has nbo taste!) but I will give it an honest effort. When I was going through my stash (teheheh!) I found the fabric mom and I bought when we went with her friends from when their kids and I were toddlers (we all grew up together until about 10) went on a Shop Hop back home. The fabrics are sweet enough but not so kiddie that they might work, and I think I have enough because we bought kits to finish the quilts and pieces to finish the blocks (its all in the box with teh raod maps on it). I think the store that coordinated the shop hop has closed and I don’t know if they do it anymore. That was a wonderful weekend!

We joined the YMCA this weekend with our tax money. I know we needed to fix my car and do other things, but this was something that we really have wanted to do for two years now. We paid the whole year at once and got a discount and hopefully we will get our monies worth out of it. I think I am going to sign up for swim lessons with R and they have water polo, so once I get my water wings back I think I will try and go to that. A was impressed last night that I could catch the polo ball with one hand holding onto R (who had a death grip on me and would not go to daddy so I could swim a lap) and throw it back at him.

quilting blabs

I ordered my new desk from target.com for quilting on. I am so excited to get it! I love our computer desk, but it has a hutch and is usually covered with bills, papers to file, craft projects (ok that’s not common, but it’s what I am looking at right now!) and computer things. I need a quilting desk to be more accessible, an even top, and most importantly….ALL MINE! I am sure this is not the most practical sewing desk, but I love it, I had actually been thinking of it for a few months, this specific one each time I went online I would sneak a peak at it.
In anticipation of getting the desk, and actually on a night where R was having a hard time falling asleep, I unpacked all my quilting things. I sat down with all my fabrics and sorted them by color, cleaned the shelves, and flipped through mags again. I would love a subscription to either McCalls Quilting or Quilters World, those are two that my mom gets that I tend to find patterns I like the most in, I do enjoy American Patchwork Quilting too, but if I have to pick on, I think Quilters World would be the best (*ahem* A get the hint?)

My aunt J, mom, and I went fabric shopping together once, about a year and a half ago, R was little, and picked out some fabric for me to make a quilt for J with. I have the fabric, and couldn’t find the pattern, while I was flipping through one of the mags, There it was, with J’s name right next to it! Unfortunately I have four fabrics and the pattern only calls for two, so I took some pics of the pattern and the fabric and e-mail it to J, but my guess is we won't figure it all out until I go out for my brothers graduation.




As for other quilt news, as soon as I get my desk I am going to start working on R’s big girl bed quilt, I bought some fabric for it already, and when sorting through my stash I found some more pinks that will work with the quilt, but I didn’t pull them out yet. I don’t know how much I will need, so I will wait and see how things go with what I have for now. I am excited to start it! I don’t know how it will turn out, but I still want to get going. Worst case scenario, I don’t like it and make another one. I also told one of my gal friends I’d make her daughter a big girl bed quilt, she is coming over tomorrow to talk about patterns and colors and ideas, plus the girls will have a little play date!

Oh I am so excited!

The house is a mess, I am tired, but boy am I doing well today!

This weekend, I had three days off! What are the odds? Working at two stores that’s very unlikely, but it happened. I went to visit my friend in a town a few miles away (ok so almost 100 door to door) and had a wonderful time. I spent too much money on things I sort of needed and fixing my car which decided it wanted to lose power a few times on the drive over there (I got an oil change and it worked better but still not up to snuff!)

Today I was going to focus on cleaning the house, but that didn’t happen as much as I would have liked it to. I got the living room in decent condition, and R’s room is good. I need to tackle the bedroom, and A needs to finish the kitchen and bathroom (which he made progress on both!) I have a ton of laundry to fold. Blah!

One of my co-workers came over today to talk quilting. She and I are going to work on our projects together, but she needs some more guidance than I do, so hopefully I will be able to give it to her. I am really excited about starting R’s quilt, but not thrilled at all the fabrics. Hopefully it will look ok all together, and worse case scenario, she won’t be in a toddler bed for too long. I can always make a better twin quilt, and actually need to start thinking of patterns for it but I should finish this one first. I just can’t believe how big she is already! I miss my little baby girl!

Wedding planning is on hold until I actually get a ring and can talk to mom and dad about budgets but I have been dreaming and checking out the knot.com which has all sorts of great resources especially for those just beginning their search and planning. I think I have decided on a few styles of dresses to try on when that comes up and we decided on pink and green as our colors, but I don’t know how we will work them, I was originally thinking sage with bold pink and a lighter one, but that might be too much for A, so maybe more pink at the ceremony (flowers, dressed) and more green at the reception (table linens, decorations etc and throw pink back in with centerpieces if flowers and the cake?) it’s a good thing I have time to plan!!