Saturday, June 28, 2008

pain inside

I’m having a bad day. I had to drag A to a co-worker of mines wedding, and we missed most of it because he erased the time off the board and I thought it was at 2, but it was at 1. That’s not why it was bad though. A’s friend called to chat and said he’s having a girl. This guy has a baby who is not very old, and married the girl who had it…let me back up and tell their story. So friend moves out of town to get away from his ex and hooks up with girl. Girl says she’s pregnant, wants an abortion, plans it, yada yada yada, friend doesn’t even think its his because he caught her cheating on him. Anyways friend moves back to town because girl won’t talk to him and so why stay? Moves back in with ex. Tries to hook up with my friend. Months later girl comes into town with 5 month old baby boy, looks like friend, they decide to get married, get married I think it was in March? They found out they are having a girl sometime between then and now.

That is what broke the camels back so to speak. We went to the wedding, came home, and I laid on the bed and cried for about two hours unable to move. I should have had a baby last July, it would have been a boy. He died. It seams like I am being punished. Everyone around us is having babies and A won’t let me try for one, and doesn’t want one now, and all I want is for the pain to go away. Last February I had a D and C because his body would not leave mine, but his heart wasn’t going and hadn’t been for over two weeks when I finally had the procedure. I thought at the time I’d be over it by now. It’s been so long but I still mourn for the baby I was never able to hold, the son I never got to kiss, the child I never got to meet.

It’s painful in every day life to see moms with babies who are about the age he would have been. It hurts to see moms with two so close in age when mine could have been. I had a co-worker who left the company who had a due date right near mine. Then after I lost him, one of my co-workers announced she was pregnant and has a baby boy. A manager of the store I am in now but wasn’t at the time had her baby boy last June, so that whole time ached when we would get together for meetings, and the manager there now just had a baby. This friend’s first baby was born in August last year. I had a friend have her baby in September. A has some co workers who are expecting a boy in September or October this year and I have to keep seeing them because he likes them to watch R when he is supposed to find the babysitter. One of my co-workers announced two or three weeks ago she’s pregnant, as quite a shock since she thought she was going through menopause when the doctor told her, she has an 18 and a 14 year old. Then this friend. I really….it hurts so badly and I can’t escape it and it keeps getting shoved in my face. I know I am in that time in my life where people are going to start having kids and starting their families but it just hurts so much.

I am surprised some days that I make it through, and A today after seeing that I didn’t move the whole two hours he was gone renting R a movie (Dora of course) as a special treat said “did that really upset you that much?” and I said “yes, for a very long time I have felt like this.” I don’t want to go out of the house in fear of seeing more people who are pregnant, or who have little boys, or have babies. It’s pathetic and sad I know, but it always hurts. I wish I could just lie in bed and cry and mourn and I don’t know what else, but I can’t. I have to celebrate the life I do have. I do have a wonderful two year old. (who is currently fighting going to sleep, every 20 minutes or so she cries for about 5 and then is quiet for a while again). I have my health, I have someone who stands by me, even if he sometimes is the source of my frustration. I have all of my extended family and they love me.

But I still have pain, and I wish I could make it go away.

Saturday, June 21, 2008


I took two of my quilts into work today to show a co-worker who I just learned is a quilter. She’s in her 40’s or so…not that that makes a difference, but it makes more sense for her to be a passionate quilter than it does me, a young 20 something, then again I am not normal as A likes to point out. She really liked the one I made R (which I made so many mistakes with) and loved the one I made for R’s playmate E. from her reaction to E’s quilt, I might actually be good at this!

I showed the quilts to a few friends (one person I used to work with, and his sister who is a regular…both in their 60’s). on my way out the door and they encouraged me to enter E’s quilt into the show in town. I think it happens every other year, and I dragged A and R to it last summer, A actually had some fun and even worn a door prize. I need to look into it and ask my friend if I can get it back for the show, but I think I should. Then again I follow the patterns in the magazines, I am not coming up with my own, although I’d like to get to that point.

I also took a moment to show my co-worker my scrapbook about the quilts I have already made, so I am up to 5 finishes, and the 6th top is done. She liked the way I scraped the stuff (I have little mementos, a picture, some scrap fabric, and a story about the quilt as well as the completion date.) She said “before you know it, this book will be full” I hope so!!

She also told me that she has a neighbor who is a professional quilter and has a long arm machine. The neighbor enjoys teaching people how to use the long arm and you can rent out the machine for a while to quilt your tops, which would be great if I ever make the quilt I want to for A as a wedding present (even though it would be more for me because it’s the colors I like, but it’s the thought that counts). This neighbor also designs her own quilt patterns and before shows and for magazines will ask people to “power sew” for her, then I think she said that this woman will quilt or finish them the way she wants, enter them into whatever she’s doing, and when everything’s over, it’s yours! WOW! My co-worker invited me to come over and visit with both her and her neighbor, and even asked me to bring R. WOW!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

day dreams

I have been thinking about this post for a few days now, but housework has kept me from taking the time to write it, not tha tI feel like I am caught up now, but A’s at work and R’s down for the night after a long walk to the park and many adventures there, so I have a moment to think and put my thoughts into sentences. It’s amazing what peace and quiet (and a few things crossed off my to do list) will give me!

I had to walk home from work on Monday, A had the car to take R to the babysitters and I had to walk home. It’s about a mile and a half and I walked at a steady, almost brisk pace to hurry home and have some peace and quiet before R got home, but she was there (with the sitters of course) waiting for me. Bummer. On the walk I had a lot of time to let my mind wander, something that I rarely have been able to do lately. I came to a few conclusions.

The first of which that came to me was the idea of taking 30minutes to an hour each day as just me time. This would not be time to clean, or cook dinner, or even plan something for R, but just to explore who I am, to be by myself, to do something I like. I doubt it will happen each day, but it’s a nice goal and something I will strive to provide for myself. I have not told A about this, that’s on the agenda for tomorrow when we will have some time together. I think I need it though. I feel so stretched thin with work and home that I need to take some time to revive myself. I think he will understand, at least I hope he does. I will let you all know how it goes. I think the biggest challenge will not be getting him on board, but not feeling guilty about doing something for myself, like quilting, or working on a puzzle when there’s housework to do.

Something else that caught my attention was how much better I felt walking around in a nice warm sun, just daydreaming. Mostly about houses I wouldn’t mind living in and those I would not want to (big castle like houses I walked past, I have a hard enough time keeping my small apartment clean, I don’t want to have to worry about a huge house!) I also had a bit more patience with R that afternoon and more energy. I need to get out and enjoy the fresh air some more, get more exercise. I will admit I am worn out to the core, but I did see that I was a little lighter in spirits after getting the blood flowing.

As I mentioned I was daydreaming about houses, I would love to buy a house and then eventually work on building one for us. I have a few ideas and would like to take a drafting class to learn how to draw house plans and work on some that I might like. I used to draw out houses and could do rough sketches on graph paper. Maybe I will start that for now and then work up, or maybe find someone who can do a real one for us. I don’t know how realistic this idea is since A’s not too handy, but it would be nice to add my own touches to a house and have it built and designed for me. There are a lot of houses out there I do like. Most important to me would be a nice deck, a big fenced in yard, and some large bushes that R could create her own secret world like I used to. (I think lilac bushes would be nice for that!) I also want to have a garden for flowers, fruits and veggies. Rose bushes are a MUST! I have so many good memories of both my mom and my Pop-Pop caring for their rose bushes and the smell of those big, beautiful garden roses. I also want at least two, maybe two and a half baths, a laundry room up with the bedrooms, a master suite, two bedrooms and an office/guestroom. I would love to have both a formal and informal dining room and a nice living room, but that’s for later down the road, right now just two baths and three bedrooms will do. I like to dream big though!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


Alright, after trying twice to write this and having the computer crash or something…freeze up mostly, here I go again while antivirus is running. I think it’s just been on too long, but grrr.
Anyways. I have been meaning to update my blog for a while now. We were just on vacation visiting my family and while I had ample time to write, I just felt weird doing so on my parents computer. Why, I don’t know but I did. We had fun with my parents, my brother and his girlfriend (who I ADORE!) as well as a few days with my moms parents, and two of her sisters. I love my extended family and wish I could spend more time with them. Nana and Pop-pop especially have such great stories to listen to and learn from.

While we were out there, we had a lot of celebrations. The first was my brothers high school graduation. Secondly, R’s second birthday! (I will post more on that later, once I get some pictures of her opening presents my aunt took pics of her.) then we celebrated my dads parents 50th anniversary at their church. Lastly, it was my moms parents 57th anniversary the day they left, but we didn’t have time to do anything too special, just send them to the airport with cards.

While out there, I again was caught up in the quilting bug. I flipped through the stack of quilting magazines my mom had (that I could find) and made copies of the quilts I like. I also semi “raided” her fabric stash. Really I was looking for my parts of a quilt we started together, but I couldn’t find it. I will have to take some time and look up the pattern again, or plan a trip to help her clean up my old bedroom (AGAIN) and the storage room (dumping room, which my bedroom is becoming) and see if we can find the fabric and parts.

Something I noticed that she has a problem with is projects. She has several quilts almost finished, a bunch more in various stages of progress and even more that aren’t even started but the fabric is purchased for. I made a commitment to myself that I will work on one quilt start to finish so I don’t have that problem. I will admit at this moment I have two projects going on. One almost finished, the other I just cut the fabric. Reason for this exception, I didn’t have the car today and I am out of thread for the first one. I will finish it before I sew more.

Speaking of projects, I need to track my commitments to projects in their appropriate order:
1) R’s quilt (just finishing)
2) R’s playmates quilt (cut fabric for)
3) Aunt J’s quilt (need to see if I have enough fabric for the size she wants, but do what I have enough for)
4) A’s quilt (buy fabric for this one and 5’s at the same time…same theme)
5) My friend A’s son’s quilt (and she’s going to make one at the same time just a different pattern)
6) A’s sisters quilt…she doesn’t know about it yet, and A hasn’t picked out a pattern yet or colors but he liked the thought of us doing this for her) maybe for Christmas, or her birthday.
7) I have one pattern I like and another I’d like to find but have seen (if anyone has the McCall’s Quilting, April 2005 it’s the cover quilt!) as a gift to A and I for our wedding
8) Something with Dora for R…and/or a bigger quilt for her bigger bed
9) The missing quilt….Gypsy Dancer

Phew! I had more than I thought I did on my list, I am glad I wrote it out!!

Sunday, June 01, 2008

death around

The past few days, there has been some sad news all around. Today’s newspaper reported that two young boys drowned this weekend in a camping/go kart-ing accident, their lives were cut far too short. Yesterdays paper reported a gentleman who was older, but still too young to die drowned in a fishing accident. Today while working, one of my co-workers received a message that a former employees brother drank himself to death last night. I don’t know if he was older or younger than my co-worker, but either way, far too young to go.

While I am not directly affected by any of these deaths it seems that it is lurking around. Perhaps its because my brother is about to venture out on his own without anyone to protect him. Maybe its because I Am a mother and I am worried about my child’s well being, or maybe it’s just that I see how delicate and precious life is. My heart goes out to these families, I hope their pain is eased with time. I wish I had a profound word to share with the world, with these people, with my daughter, instead I stand still.