pain inside

I’m having a bad day. I had to drag A to a co-worker of mines wedding, and we missed most of it because he erased the time off the board and I thought it was at 2, but it was at 1. That’s not why it was bad though. A’s friend called to chat and said he’s having a girl. This guy has a baby who is not very old, and married the girl who had it…let me back up and tell their story. So friend moves out of town to get away from his ex and hooks up with girl. Girl says she’s pregnant, wants an abortion, plans it, yada yada yada, friend doesn’t even think its his because he caught her cheating on him. Anyways friend moves back to town because girl won’t talk to him and so why stay? Moves back in with ex. Tries to hook up with my friend. Months later girl comes into town with 5 month old baby boy, looks like friend, they decide to get married, get married I think it was in March? They found out they are having a girl sometime between then and now.

That is what broke the camels back so to speak. We went to the wedding, came home, and I laid on the bed and cried for about two hours unable to move. I should have had a baby last July, it would have been a boy. He died. It seams like I am being punished. Everyone around us is having babies and A won’t let me try for one, and doesn’t want one now, and all I want is for the pain to go away. Last February I had a D and C because his body would not leave mine, but his heart wasn’t going and hadn’t been for over two weeks when I finally had the procedure. I thought at the time I’d be over it by now. It’s been so long but I still mourn for the baby I was never able to hold, the son I never got to kiss, the child I never got to meet.

It’s painful in every day life to see moms with babies who are about the age he would have been. It hurts to see moms with two so close in age when mine could have been. I had a co-worker who left the company who had a due date right near mine. Then after I lost him, one of my co-workers announced she was pregnant and has a baby boy. A manager of the store I am in now but wasn’t at the time had her baby boy last June, so that whole time ached when we would get together for meetings, and the manager there now just had a baby. This friend’s first baby was born in August last year. I had a friend have her baby in September. A has some co workers who are expecting a boy in September or October this year and I have to keep seeing them because he likes them to watch R when he is supposed to find the babysitter. One of my co-workers announced two or three weeks ago she’s pregnant, as quite a shock since she thought she was going through menopause when the doctor told her, she has an 18 and a 14 year old. Then this friend. I really….it hurts so badly and I can’t escape it and it keeps getting shoved in my face. I know I am in that time in my life where people are going to start having kids and starting their families but it just hurts so much.

I am surprised some days that I make it through, and A today after seeing that I didn’t move the whole two hours he was gone renting R a movie (Dora of course) as a special treat said “did that really upset you that much?” and I said “yes, for a very long time I have felt like this.” I don’t want to go out of the house in fear of seeing more people who are pregnant, or who have little boys, or have babies. It’s pathetic and sad I know, but it always hurts. I wish I could just lie in bed and cry and mourn and I don’t know what else, but I can’t. I have to celebrate the life I do have. I do have a wonderful two year old. (who is currently fighting going to sleep, every 20 minutes or so she cries for about 5 and then is quiet for a while again). I have my health, I have someone who stands by me, even if he sometimes is the source of my frustration. I have all of my extended family and they love me.

But I still have pain, and I wish I could make it go away.