Friday, May 23, 2008

who am i?

I have been blogging a lot, a lot more than I thought I would , and about things I didn’t think were important to me. I have been writing when I could be matching socks, or cleaning, but I have also felt less anger, less frustration, and have become more in touch with myself. I am learning who I am now instead of what I am. Yes, I am a mother, I am a spouse, I am an employee who works darn hard if I do say so myself, but who is Lisa?

The past few months work has become, not fun. I have been working over 35 hours a week, and most of those weeks have been close to 40 if not over. I am not complaining because the money has been good, but working that many hours on your feet, in a job that you have to be positive and engaging and dynamic can wear you out. I have been so focused on work, and so focused on how much I wish A would help out with the household work (I KNOW he doesn’t like it, I KNOW he isn’t good at it, so why to I expect him to do it?) I have lost the focus on what I enjoy, on what I want to do, who I want to be, and why I love my job, why I love my home. I have let myself escape into this negative cloud because it was easier.

I am not saying that I am going to burst out of his negative, exhausted attitude, but at least I see that that’s where I am right now. I am in a place where I need to take care of myself, I need to do those things that I enjoy. I need to reconnect with who I am. I wish I could take some time off from work and go on a private retreat, or go out with some friends for more than a few hours, more than a meal. I need some time to discover what it is that motivates me, that I enjoy, and what relaxes me. I need to take the time to be me again, just me.

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