who am i?

I have been blogging a lot, a lot more than I thought I would , and about things I didn’t think were important to me. I have been writing when I could be matching socks, or cleaning, but I have also felt less anger, less frustration, and have become more in touch with myself. I am learning who I am now instead of what I am. Yes, I am a mother, I am a spouse, I am an employee who works darn hard if I do say so myself, but who is Lisa?

The past few months work has become, not fun. I have been working over 35 hours a week, and most of those weeks have been close to 40 if not over. I am not complaining because the money has been good, but working that many hours on your feet, in a job that you have to be positive and engaging and dynamic can wear you out. I have been so focused on work, and so focused on how much I wish A would help out with the household work (I KNOW he doesn’t like it, I KNOW he isn’t good at it, so why to I expect him to do it?) I have lost the focus on what I enjoy, on what I want to do, who I want to be, and why I love my job, why I love my home. I have let myself escape into this negative cloud because it was easier.

I am not saying that I am going to burst out of his negative, exhausted attitude, but at least I see that that’s where I am right now. I am in a place where I need to take care of myself, I need to do those things that I enjoy. I need to reconnect with who I am. I wish I could take some time off from work and go on a private retreat, or go out with some friends for more than a few hours, more than a meal. I need some time to discover what it is that motivates me, that I enjoy, and what relaxes me. I need to take the time to be me again, just me.

really frustraited

Please beware this is going to be a rather negative post, and aimed mostly at A, but not that he’s the problem entirely, but he is not part of the solution.

I got my tips today, and what happened? I spent it all. That’s right, I spent all my tips that were supposed to be saved up for our trip. Why? Well, I needed gas in the car, and that was a good chunk of it. A wanted a new work shirt, and we had to get some anniversary cards, a graduation card, some potting soil, and that’s where everything went. Why is it so much, and worse off why is it that I can’t spend money without having a panic attack and regret over every purchase. A has spent $220 so far this month not including his tips, my tips…what the hell!! I guess the dollar amount doesn’t surprise or upset me, just the fact that there’s no regret about it on his end. I am jealous and wish that I had that freedom.

I am not a sexist, but I feel like the man should be able to support the family. I don’t mind contributing, I don’t mind supplementing, and even if he could support the family by himself I would work, but I am worn out to the core, I am exhausted, I am stressed, and I am doing everything for the house too. I am cleaning, cooking…well I haven’t been doing that the past few days because I cleaned the kitchen and it’s sparkling I’d rather not mess it up to clean again =) I am working 40+ hours a week, and I am doing all the parenting. A gets to do the fun stuff and I am encouraging him to take her out and do things with her, but I am the disciplinarian, I am the ritual setter, I am the potty trainer. Tonight for example, A was trying to get R down for night night because he wanted to. Well it’s two hours later and she’s still screaming because he didn’t want to follow the routine, he wanted to do something special. He left and told me to call when she’s down. Thanks honey! I have to work at 5 am tomorrow, it’s 9:30!!

With this promotion that I am going for, I know I will be working about 40 hours a week, it won’t be consistent hours, but I think the move and the raise and the change of…everything, will be good for us. In the mean time I am just feeling overwhelmed, over worked, over exhorted. I am really looking forward to some time off of work. I need a break. If we don’t get this promotion this time there will be another opportunity in probably November that I will go for, and I will take some vacation time to just unwind, take care of the house and to take care of myself. If I get it I will take the same time off to pack and move things. It’s been a while since I have had some personal time. I need it. I think it will help my outlook.

A has agreed to have a sit down after we get back from vacation to figure out some new money problems. We will set a date, find a babysitter, do it somewhere other than home, and not a nice restaurant or somewhere else that might be crowded. We will be rested, and…we need it.
Tomorrow I have a short shift, just under 6 hours, and R and I will walk home so A can take the car to work (I get off at 10:45 he works at 11...so he will walk down and trade the car for the stroller) hopefully he will take R out for either a dinner date or some play time and I can clean the living room and her room. That’s my hopes and goals for tomorrow. I will write him a note and tape it to the TV and ask him for that. I see it happening unless he picked up an evening shift too, that would be another hope for tomorrow, which would bring my cleaning down to just the living room. Or the laundry.

I feel better, I just wish I had a plan of action.

house-ing?

With a possible move on the horizon, we are talking about buying a house instead of renting. We are realistic about what we can afford and are probably going to look into either a townhouse just to get our feet wet, or something that we can put some sweat equity into. We have some inheritance money that we will use for a down payment, and we won’t want to pay more than what we do in rent (or just a little more) and I have been looking for a tool to use to find out how much house that means we can buy. All I see are the ones you enter your income, or you enter the mortgage amount you want. I need to go the other direction. I guess we can go to the bank and talk about this and figure it out, but we are not quite there. I would like to have a 15 year mortgage but 30 is more realistic for us I think. I just want to pay more principal than interest!

My old landlord came into work today, twice. He has a new job and is moving to Bozeman. He kicked us out of our apartment because he lost his house. He asked about our new place and I said we might be moving again, hopefully. He said “oh no, what happened?” and I explained that we are hopefully getting out of this town, and we are in a place where we might buy, and he said to call him he has some friends in the town we are hoping to get to that are realtors. As much as I think he’s a jerky man for making us homeless for 3 weeks and kicking us out of our home just before Christmas, I will give his friends a shot. We will need someone who is patient and willing to take their time with us and guide us through the process.

I have not been feeling well the past few days. Just exhausted and nauseous, and have had several migraines. I know you might be thinking “pregnant?” nope. On BC and poor A, I’ve been so worn out that we haven’t practiced making a baby in over a month, so that’s not possible. The side effects of me feeling ickie and being tired is that the house is a mess!!!! I should be cleaning right now, but I am sitting down, with my legs pressed up against my tummy and typing which doesn’t involve movement of the core or my head. I hope I feel better tomorrow, or Tuesday which I have off so I can get some cleaning done. Before I felt ickie I got the laundry caught up and folded and the kitchen is sparkling, but the rest of the place is MESSY!! Maybe one of my friends will take Regina and I can sleep and clean. She loves those play dates!

school

A and I have had a long standing debate about where to raise our kids, I want to go back to the Seattle area to be near my parents and he is worried they will be like his mom and come by whenever they want (which is not how I was raised, and they have their own busy lives, it would just be nice to have them close enough to help out when we would like to get away like my grandparents did, but not too close they know what we do at all hours.) Today I found this article:
The Top of the Class
The complete list of the 1,300 top U.S. high schools
Newsweek Web Exclusive
(can be found at http://www.newsweek.com/id/39380/?q=2008/rank/301/ )
These are the schools near where my parents live and where I went to high school, though I went to private school, and this article only addressed public schools.
10 International School Bellevue Wash.
31 Newport Bellevue Wash.
45 Interlake Bellevue Wash.
62 Bellevue Bellevue Wash.
163 Sammamish Bellevue Wash.
1152 Issaquah Issaquah Wash.
These schools are all of what’s in Montana, neither of these towns are near me.
602 Stevensville Stevensville Mont.
606 Bozeman Bozeman Mont. 1.845
I have been arguing that my education was more challenging, more encompassing and more diverse than what A got here in this town, and I still stand firm, with a little bit of evidence. If we don’t move out to the places I want to live I will have to figure out a way to supplement R’s education and enhance it. I want my child to be worldly, accepting, and understanding of herself and others.

I am going to start looking into preschool for R when we figure out where we will be. I can't belive it's begining already!

headachs of many kinds

Lately I have been imagining moving, and getting out of this town. When I mention that to friends and co-workers, they always ask “what about A?” “will he go with you?” Well, duh! What really gets me is that if it were him that were going for the promotion and transfer everyone would just assume I was on board. Everyone would be asking when we will know, what I am looking forward to and what not, not if I was going with him. Why is it that since the woman in the house is going for it people assume I am trying to get away from him instead of just better both our lives? Just an interesting observation.

I am sick of my migraines, and I have them almost every day I am not working. It must be my exhaustion and what not and since I can’t have them when I work, they know this and haunt me when I have [plans to clean and cook and do things around the house. Since no one is really affected by whether or not I do those things at home, but they sure are affected if I were to try and call in sick. I am sick of it though!!!

I was planning on going to the craft store and buying some buttons to finish R’s quilt, but it’s hot outside. A and I are going to run errands tomorrow, maybe I can sneak that one in as one too, or maybe I will hit it up on my way home from work tomorrow. We will have to see. We are getting the car fixed next week I hope, if not then we are cutting it close to our departure day, but we will get it taken care of for sure. I just have to wait for that to happen to pay bills because the car is our number one priority, followed second by rent.

my mothers day!

Today on msn.com, my home page of choice, there were quotes from famous people on being a mother, these two stood out to me:
“We are together, my child and I. Mother and child, yes, but sisters really, against whatever denies us all that we are.”-- Alice Walker (1944- ), American author and poet.
“It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.”-- Erma Bombeck (1927-1996), American newspaper columnist and author.
While I don’t have any profound words on motherhood, I do know that it’s the best, most challenging, most rewarding job I have had or could imagine having. I also think that it’s the one I would most like a vacation from at times, but when I am free of the munchkin, I miss her. Even when she goes out with Daddy on a date or something, I long for her companionship.

I either have really bad allergies or a cold, or both since no meds are making me feel better. I don’t like it one bit!! But other than that things are going really well for me. I will have to do an update later about things that are happening, but for now, I Am going to go enjoy my daughter and my day!

my daredevil

I have quite the little dare devil on my hands. Except she is hesitant in most areas…R is definitely a silly girl. Today we went to the park, and while she wanted us to hold her hand each time she moved from one level to the next (think steps, not big differences) and wouldn’t jump like the other kids off a little ledge thing, she went down the slides with the greatest of ease. I kept telling A that the slide was too big for her, that we’d scare her, but he insisted she’d be fine if I caught her. He was right. She went down the first big tube one giggling, over and over. Then she saw another bigger tube one and was half way in the tube to go down before A and I were in position. She loved it! My little daredevil!

I just made the worst pot of coffee ever. I am trying to drink a cup and can’t figure out what went wrong. I know what you are thinking, I am a Barista at one of the most competitive coffee companies, how can I make bad coffee? Work and home are different. I know the measurements for the coffee at work, I have no idea what to do in my own coffee pot. Plus I don’t even like coffee…I just wanted something warm, aromatic, and am sick of my tea collection. I guess I should have had oatmeal =)

I need to get to work on the house, but it’s getting late. The one problem with being a hands on mom, I never have time to clean during the day and am too tired at night. I hope A will take R out this week sometime and I can have some alone time with the house, and maybe my pillow! I hopefully will have three days off next week AND will only be scheduled about 30 hours, so I can take my personal day. That will be nice!

nothign new

We will get to see my family in one month! I am so ready! I need to get out of this town, I need some time off of work, and I want to see my extended family and get some pictures of everyone before they get too old (grandparents) and before R grows up. I can’t believe she’s almost two! I have already set aside a few things I would like to pack for R and have been thinking about what I would like myself. A and I have agreed that we will save my tip money until we go for the trip’s spending monies, and most likely gas money. We are planning the drive, and working out our game plans etc. Oh I am so excited! (and I still have a month to go!!)

I finished the top of R’s quilt. I have a lot of reflection about it and have learned a lot through it. I will journal about it in my quilt scrapbook too, but I will go more in depth here since this is where I really try to express who I am. To begin with, I learned I need to be more patient. I rushed through piecing the quilt and did not make perfect points, I didn’t get everything to line up and I have a lot of mistakes with my stitching. I think I did this mostly because I didn’t like the fabric and was rushing through it to move onto a quilt I like the fabrics for better. Another lesson learned is that I shouldn’t be bullied into fabric I don’t love. The fabrics and the quilt look too mature for a toddler. They make me think more of a 50 year old woman (even older than my mother makes me think!) It’s dark fabric, and a fun pattern but not in these colors. I will have to make R another quilt either for her toddler bed or start in on a twin size for her. So to recap: I should trust my gut with fabrics, I should not go shopping for them with A’s mom, and I need to slow down and enjoy the process and be more careful, at least until I have stronger quilting skills. I need to layer and quilt the piece as well as bind it, but I am almost done!!

We went to a parade on Friday with my friend from work, and then today we went to the Kite Festival, it’s been a busy weekend for us, and the house is mostly clean. Just cluttered and untidy, not messy! HORRAY! I am off to watch some TV before bed now, and hopefully A will be home from the store soon so I can print some things off (more quilt patterns and some work stuff) if I crash before he gets home, I have tomorrow off too but I have some things I would like to do!