PACKING AUGHHH

Man oh man it’s been quite the week. I have not had a day off in quite a while…well according to the schedule I was off, but because my SM put me in charge of our tree for the Festival of Trees, I had to go and decorate on that one day off. I have today off but we are moving tomorrow. I get to pack and pack and AUGH! I have our bedroom, closet, hall closet all completely finished (with the exception of such things as the lamps and alarm clocks) I am about to start on R’s room, but I have no drive. I wish we had a U-Haul now or something else I could load all the stuff I have packed up into so I can have more of a blank canvas instead of tripping over everything.

I sent R away to a friend’s house for the afternoon. It’s been impossible to pack with her here, she wants to play and be entertained and needing her attention, I just can’t do two things at once, as much as I wish I could. I feel bad for sending her off, and I think I am going to have a gal friend watch her overnight so we can pack, I can get some good sleep for opening tomorrow and so A doesn't have to worry about her while the guys are all moving the crud!

In the world of R…she’s crawling!!! Alright, not really, she gets up on her hands and knees and rocks back and forth (started two or three days ago…Tuesday I think) and yesterday she took two steps and went SPLAT, followed by lots of crying. Part of it probably was my jumping up and down and shouting after she flopped but man oh man! She was fantastic! I can’t believe she’s doing this sort of stuff already. I am so not ready. I guess it’s a good thing we are moving to a new place which will hopefully be more baby proof than the place we are in now. Then again she will have to learn her limits too.

Well, I took long enough of a break (I feel like a nap but am trying to at least get R’s room and maybe the bathroom done before naps because A will get upset if I don’t do a ton of work today….although he hasn’t helped me) I will hopefully post pics of the new place and all that jazz once we get settled in!

exciting news!

We are moving soon. I am so thrilled! As much as I love the place we are in for all the storage and the lay out, I am pumped beyond belief to be moving. I’m excited to have a working dishwasher, washer/dryer hook ups, and a nicer looking place. It’s a small 4-plex with 6 inch walls. We are in the top left unit. It’s almost brand new (only one person has lived in it before us, and only for a few months.) The living room is open to the kitchen, so hopefully the kitchen will stay cleaner. Although I am sure having a working dishwasher will help with that too! The bedrooms are smaller, but I love the dimensions and angles.

My parents gave us a loan/Christmas money to buy a washer and dryer. Dad has been doing research online for efficiency, cost, volume, ratings etc. Mom is taking his lists and going to Lowe’s, Home Depot, Costco and Sears to see what all they have, price check and ask people. She will then send me a list of what ones they recommend for us to get and I will take the money and get them! They haven’t decided how much they are paying for (one machine, two, or none) but depending on what machines they choose, and I get, I will pay them back. I am so fortunate to have parents that are willing to help us out like this. I know my mom’s parents helped out more than once with my parents, and my moms’ siblings. I hope we can pass that onto our children.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! I wanted to give R a traditional Thanksgiving meal that I put love and care into. I imagined having A’s friends come over, watch the game while I was at work and stay for dinner. I know several of his c-workers don’t have family in town and couldn’t go home because while they have Weds night off they have to work Thurs night (so the UPS men can drive on Friday!) I don’t think he ever asked anyone. I might make “Dressing” and some turkey breast and call it good. Maybe a baked potato too.

Today R and I went to Wal-mart (man I hate that store…yet where else can you get keys, ornaments, groceries, clothes, soap, paint, and light bulbs in one stop?) We picked out some awesome red ornaments and sparkly gold paint and she put her handprint on the ornaments. We got 10 done and have 10 more to try. Some she smeared and others look pretty good. I hope to make this a tradition for a few years, until she makes me stop. I think it’s such a special thing and will be giving them to family and friends. Even the smudgy ones. I’m waiting until they dry to write on them “R, 2006” or something like that. Maybe write who they are to on there. I got the idea from a co-workers friend who has a 1 year old. I want to get those picture frame ornaments too for my parents, my brother, us and maybe A’s mom.
I need to pack but don’t have the energy. Deja Vu? A was supposed to have today off to pack with me, but he got called in. I have to work tomorrow and he probably will take the day off, so maybe he can pack. The living room and bathroom are almost done (1/2 with the bathroom but we are still using things and I might just throw everything in a box!) the stuff floating in the living room either belongs in other rooms or is toss able/donate. I am proud of myself for packing in an organized fashion and actually I put all the boxes where they “belong.” I mean to say, the movies and DVD’s are packed in boxes housed in the entertainment center, the books are in boxes on the bookshelf, the bathroom stuff is in a box under the bathroom sink. When we are actually moving I will put them in one spot, but we still have to live here, I can’t stand piles of boxes everywhere.

giggling girl

My dad was really upset when he learned that I would not be home for Christmas. What does he do? He talks to mom and they decided to fly the three of us out the S-Town for “Christmas” sometime in Jan. I need to talk to my boss and see when I can get off.

R’s getting such a personality! I love and yet hate it. I love it because I get to see the type of girl she’s becoming, but I also hate it because a) she’s stubborn and b) she’s not going to be my baby girl for too much longer. I think I should pause from my life for a moment and reflect on her and what I think she may become. In latter years I will look back and either laugh or see how intuitive I am:

R is STUBORN and independent. She can’t be independent yet and that frustrates her. For the longest time she wanted to hold her own bottle and just couldn’t master how to keep it upright or in the mouth area to eat from.

I am thinking she can become either a nurse (she loves booboos and cuddles) a lawyer, or something that’s along those lines. We will have to see what she likes in school and what not. I do believe she’s smart, but what parent doesn’t think that of their own child? I love how she holds her cup, she’s figured out a cry that sounds like “hubababbububah” when she is having a bottle and it runs out but she wants more. She also looks at the spot on the couch that A tends to sit on when I say something about “daddy” and she knows how to give and get hugs and cuddles.

The other day she was standing on my chest and though it was the funniest thing ever that she was “bigger” than me. She laughed for 15 minutes! Each time she looked down at my face started a whole new wave of giggles. Silly silly girl, already knowing what’s funny in this world.

it's been too long!

So much has happened, and yet nothing has. R is growing big and strong every day. She loves to stand and kick. She has a definite personality already and I am loving it. She is stubborn and independent. She is loving and careful. She is curious and intelligent. She knows what’s going on and what is happening and people are always commenting on how alert she is. “four months and she’s that awake and responsive!”

I went to the Real Food Store today and saw one of my co-workers and my yoga instructor. I was pregnant while doing yoga…so she had to tell me not to do some poses. If she hadn’t told me I would have done them because I am that stubborn. I loved my yoga classes, and this one was great because she used me as a demo many times, and I was flexible and bendy. I was seated next to the football players who were not flexible at all and I kept thinking to myself “I am pregnant and can do this tehehhe”

I got a promotion at work and am thrilled. It’s a bit more responsibility and more hours, a wage increase but it’s awesome. I have an amazing store manager and our district manager is great too. My personality meshes with them very well and I feel so comfortable. Not to mention it is a great company to work for. I get benefits, stock, retirement plans, free coffee and beans and all sorts of other random perks. I almost moved out to Seattle but I was trying to see if I could get a transfer with my company on top of the job offer I already had. I didn’t want to let go of my benefits!

R got baptized this weekend. A’s mom got insane about it as normal, invited over all her friends and family (I didn’t want here there) none of whom are Catholic and kept referring to the Baptism as a “christening” I corrected her several times prior to the event and am a little angry that she doesn't listen. Then Monday she stopped by tore A down and I told her to get out of my house. I told her she needs professional mental help and that she destroys A each time she comes here. She said that A called her a stalker (which she is) and I said “yes you are stalking us” I should have added that she is manipulative and abusive but I just wanted her to get out. I don’t know what went so wrong in her life that she is like this, but it’s not ok, and she can’t take things out on A!

In happier news, back to R: she’s rolling back to tummy and once in a blue moon she will flip back over. Nursing is not going well right now, but I don’t want to switch to formula. I am not ready for that! I used to be able to feed her entirely from one side, but now I have to do both sides for many feedings and then give her a few more ounces in a bottle. I feel like a failure. I went and got some supplements that one of my regular customers told me works well to increase milk production and started it last night. Hopefully it helps. I am also trying to pump a little more. This morning for example I pumped from one side and fed her from the other and was prepared to give her a bottle if need be but I would have kept pumping from the one side. I got ½ an ounce out of my pump and she didn’t fuss for more food. We will see what happens. If things aren’t better by Monday I am going to call WIC and see if they have any ideas for help or if I can switch over to formula. I really don’t want to!

annoyances and desires

If we are not expecting you, please do not disturb us!

This is what I want to post on our door. I might, but I feel it’s rather harsh. I am directing this at one person, which makes the whole thing that much worse. A’s mom has woken R up more than once this week with her pounding on the door when she stops by unannounced. She comes by all the time, and pounds on the door. She was here two days ago, and I was about to snap at her the whole time. She got so mad because I was in the shower (I was already in the bathroom and about to hop into the shower when she came by…and instead of coming out, I locked the door and showered) It was the only time in a few days that I was able to shower, and I needed to distress for pumping….so much for that idea!

We are thinking of moving. Not only because we don’t like the apartment, which we don’t….sure it’s a decent place for what we pay, but it’s getting to the point where it’s just not worth it. We need laundry to be done, and coin-op down a flight of stairs is not a great option with a baby…we have to do it on those few days or times of day when we are both home so someone can stay with R. I am sick of being woken up in the middle of the night by the neighbors upstairs headboard banging against the wall. I don’t know the neighbor next to us, but she sits on her stoop smoking (so our place smells like smoke and A is having a hard time quitting thanks to cravings he gets now thanks to her) looking at me with beady eyes and shooting dirty looks each time I come home with Starbucks in hand…sorry I work there and get free drinks, its not like I can’t afford them that way!

I have tons more to post, but we are having company over tonight and I’d like to clean the kitchen and living room, and figure out what to make for dinner that will be good for more than two

dull update

One of my friends told me when I was still pregnant that she had a mantra for those nights her daughter wouldn’t sleep, and I have started to use it. It’s “I love being a mom, just not right now.” It’s true someday. Last night was one of those nights, R would not sleep for the life of her! She would doze in my arms, sometimes cat nap in her crib or the swing, but sleep…nahhh. Something is bothering her, and if it were a day or two ago I would think it was her shots, but she's over them now. Crazy! Hopefully she sleeps well tonight, if not…oh dear!

A broke his toe at one of his jobs, and has been only working at that one and not his other. UPS has set him up with some light tasks so he doesn't have to take time off and he can wait for the swelling in his foot to go down, and Pepsi would just be too much time walking around and lifting. We are hoping that the swelling goes down by Monday so he can get back to work but we will see.

We took R out and about today….nothing too strenuous, the most I let A carry was R or a bag of ice, whichever is heavier. We went out to the Fairgrounds in town and played with the geese and ducks. R was very curious and enjoyed looking around. We even got down to the ducks level and looked at them. I can’t wait to take her back and have her throw bread crumbs at them. We were going to go to the playground down there too, but it started to get windy and looked like a storm was going to roll in. We came home instead and A and R crashed and I have been doing laundry and making a candy crème tart for desert. I need to go fold laundry and start dinner but I wanted to take a moment to update my readers (if I have any now!)

There really hasn’t been much happening around here, I haven’t done much cleaning, I have started cooking more, I haven’t started any new projects, I haven’t even finished any lately. I still have to work on my friends daughters quilt, I got the backing fabric for it and have batting so I just need to tidy up the living room enough to lay it all down on the floor, pin it and sew, sew, sew! (I also need to get some more thread!)

its been a while

I really do miss going to school. I remember moving into the dorms for the first time, Dad hid all the power cords perfectly and oh it was great. Then when my roomie moved out I rearranged and LOVED it. I love being able to set things up, get them organized. I love moving in and out (and hate it when I am tired, want to take a nap and realize all my clothes are in a heaping pile on the bed and my boxes are organized all over the floor.) I remember how good it felt to finally have that last box unpacked, to look around the room and realize I had done it (most the time with little help, just bringing the boxes in) I miss buying textbooks (but not the paying for them.) I miss school supply shopping. Yesterday when A and I were having dinner I asked him to make sure I went back to school. I am going to spend this year researching schools, requirements, studying for the GREs again (and hopefully doing better) and then maybe start applying. I am going to make it my “educational goal” for this year.

I know part of being a mother is being tired, especially with a young baby, but man, I think I am pushing it. Last time I went to the docs my iron was really low (they took it twice they were so sure it wasn’t that low!) I have been taking my prenatal vitamins still and have been trying to eat iron rich foods, but I don’t know if it’s any better, or if there’s something else going on. Maybe I am just being a wimp when it comes to sleep. I have another appointment tomorrow, so we will find out about my iron levels, and thank goodness I don’t have work tomorrow. Although last time I got to go in late to work (instead of 5 am) she went to bed no problem around 8pm and was down for the night…then when I had to be at work at my normal time, it was 1am or 2am before she went to bed. Isn’t that always the case?

I have been having a lot of problems pumping lately. This morning I got ½ oz after 15 minutes on each side….Pathetic isn’t it? I am not sure what’s going on, maybe lack of sleep, maybe not enough fluids, maybe stress about bills, or maybe I am not consuming enough calories. I really don’t know, but it’s frustrating. I think I have a total of 6 oz in the freezer now….she will eat all of that in one day while I am at work. I have been trying to pump from one side after feeding her from the other, but haven’t had much success yet. I am hoping that my milk production will increase because of it…and soon. We are going to have to use some formula (Which R doesn’t like) for a few days while I keep working on it. I will ask about that at the docs tomorrow too.

home care

I sat down today and wrote out a list of things I would like to do before I go home for a long weekend. I realize that most of these things will not be accomplished by then, but I still want to work towards it. I want to come home to a clean apartment, its so much more relaxing to do that. I, unfortunately, am cramming in 30 hours at work between now and then, so it will not be the easiest thing in the world, but well worth the effort. Some projects are at the bottom of the priority list…cleaning out our storage unit, organizing the bathroom drawers, going through my desk drawers, but they are things that I want to finish in the next few weeks. I am continually going through my things and getting rid of what I don’t want/need anymore. There are so many things that I am attached to for no real reason and after the third or fourth sweep I finally get rid of.

I wish I was a better homemaker. I don’t need to be June Cleaver; I just wish I was better. I have never lived on my own (except in the dorms) so I never got to practice. I was looking forward to living independently, finding out about myself, coming and going as I pleased. I am not one to really live on my own, I need people, and I only wanted to do it for a little while. I was great in the dorms, I always had a welcoming room (though few friends to frequent my door) and healthy snacks and small meals. I organized my stuff and rearranged the room at least one a semester. I loved cleaning up my room as a way to avoid a paper and yet be productive. I now feel forced to clean, and enjoy it far less. I know once we get our things sorted and stored better that it won’t be overwhelming anymore. I want our place to be welcoming, though I don’t think it is or will be. We live in a nice apartment building for the price, and for a first place it really is far better than a lot of places, it’s just out of the way for most people. I wish we lived somewhere where people could just stop by. I wish we lived further in town. I am sure some of Adams friends are hesitant to stop by because I am his girlfriend and we have a baby. I wish that weren’t the case. I would love it if his friends came by and said hi, played video games here, watched football, or even come over for a nice dinner with us. I want my friends to come by too. I don’t have many, but I have a few, and I wish they would haunt my doorway (or however the saying goes.) This is something my parents never had, and my friends did….it’s something I have wanted to have/do for a long time. Hopefully someday soon.

I am starting to pack for the trip. Well…more accurately, I wrote a list a week or so ago, taped it to the wall between our bedroom door and R’s bedroom door and have been updating it, adding onto it, and glancing at it, slowly pulling stuff out and setting it aside. I have a small pile on a chair we never use in the living room, another small pile on the floor between R’s dresser and her crib. I am so excited to go and see everyone. Two of my moms sisters will be there, plus her parents, my dads parents and brothers live out there, I will hopefully stop by my old work, see some high school friends, A’s friend is invited to my graduation party and hopefully we will get a hold of him so he can indeed make it. I am looking forward to other people playing with R (“where’s your nose? I got your toes” gets old rather quickly…except for the smiles it brings out) as well as the change of scenery. I wish we could stay longer, but work calls.

changes

I have had several…less than pleasant comments that I have deleted. I know I can’t be choosy about what people say or think of me, but I do want to protect my daughter and myself from threatening comments. Not to mention the fact that if you don’t like the way I live my life…don’t read my blog…this is for me to remember, to share with family and friends, and to express how I feel. This is not for you to critique me or my life style.

Because of this I have changed the way I am accepting comments, I have changed my URL and have deleted my previous posts to protect names. I was hoping it wouldn’t come down to this, but I want to keep blogging, I want to chronicle my life and receive feedback, but I don’t want to worry that someone is going to attack me for the way I am living my life. It is not that uncommon a lifestyle, I am happy (22 out of 24 hours a day) and this is what I choose!

If you want to contact me, leave a message. If you want to say nasty things, say them to yourself, say them to the computer, but please don’t post them…or I will delete them. Don’t say anything you wouldn’t want your mother, grandmother, daughter to hear from you, nor anything you would not want to said to them.

summer activities

R and I went to story hour at the library today. We had a blast! We took my friend J and her daughter who is three. The theme for the day was leopards, so we read a book about a wild animals first trip to the carnival, a leopard going to bed, a non-fiction on leopards (one page about baby leopards) and a book about African nocturnals and a leopard trying to meet them all. The kids each got a leopard stamp, finger puppet and a free book of their choosing! They don’t do story hour in Aug or Dec, but we are all going back weekly in September again!

Yesterday we took her to the lake. It was a little too cold for her, A kept lowering her into the water and she kept lifting her legs higher and higher until he pulled her closer to him and they got wet together. She seemed to like that, though she loves any time she's snuggling with Daddy! It was 105 out that day, but much cooler at the lake. After playing in the water Rand I took a nap on the beach in the shade with a nice breeze off the lake and A swam around. I think we will go back again this summer and sit at a new place. The lake is lovely, it’s a large swimming hole and there were so many young families. A was afraid of water for the longest time, so he really wants to work on getting her exposed to the water and comfortable in it. (dont worry, this was the only time she was in teh sun, the rest of the time we blocked it....and she didnt burn or tan or anything!)

Work is awesome. I am better than I was when I left…or maybe I am as good and it just didn’t take me as long to transition back as I thought it would. I have my review (6 months I think!) coming up next week. I asked my store manager about a week ago if I could set up a meeting with her to talk about setting some goals for me, and she said we could cover that in my review…I had no idea I had been there that long! Time sure does fly. I am going to talk about becoming a Coffee Master and how to do that, and maybe see about doing another passport since I was pregnant during my first and that might have an impact on my tastes…but that’s not necessary, just something cool to look into. I’d also like to work on becoming a Learning Coach for new employees and possibly a Shift Supervisor. I love this company and want to grown and learn how it works. I am happy as a Barista for now, but I want to strive for more.

School is starting up soon, there are back to school specials, sales, supplies, oh how I miss it. I love school, I love papers and tests, and I love the stress and the frustration. I love to challenge myself and learn new things. I love working towards something, studying, discussing topics with my peers inside and out of class. I wish I could go back already. I am going to save up some money to take classes, either from my Alma Matter or from a local vo-tech school, just one or two a semester to challenge me, keep my mind in the game for when I really do go back to grad school. I should be looking for a job in my field, but with adjusting to motherhood and my one job for now that’s all I can handle, plus we are working hard at keeping R out of day care. Our schedules work out perfectly right now and I’d rather let that be for the time being. I wish I could go out and buy school supplies, new pens, highlighters, binders, notebooks, printer paper etc. I have to keep myself from wandering down the supply isles. Soon I will go back, soon I will take a class or two, and all too soon Regina will be in school!

adorableness

sorry about the blurryness, she moved, the lighting was not great, and basically I need a quicker/better camera, but oh they are cute!

first shower

R had her first shower with Ayesterday. I had given her a bath the day before and she SCREAMED bloody murder, but a shower with Daddy....that was such a treat! she talked and cooed and didnt fuss until I tried to dress her. She doenst like puting her arms in the arm holes!

shes here!!!

we had R at 2:43 am on the 7th after my water broke at about 7, maybe quarter to, at home. We stayed here until contractions started and then went on down. Labor was intense and hard, but short. I only had to push about an hour! I will post a real birth story when I get back to balance here.

poem from a friend

a dear friend of ours wrote A this poem:

Parenthood
Matt Hoffman

Parent are special
and parents are kind
good ones are sometimes
a little hard to find

the start may be rough
and scary for a bit
but soon you'll be ok
you'll get the hang of it

This creation of yours
will be the absolute best
you'd baby will be beautiful
and more perfect than the rest

Stay strong in your love
and support each other right
hold each other close
when you retire for the night

I know for a fact
that you'll do just fine
you're both beautiful angels
in this heart of mine

And now your adding
a third life to your name
I already love her
she's my family just the same

I send you a hug
and a heart felt prayer
to show you my love
and tell you I care

May God bless your house
and new born life
the next step you have
is to be husband and wife.

*note not edited! this is as he wrote it to A