Thursday, September 25, 2008

whine fest

I had a meeting with my manger today and it didn’t go as well as I had hoped. They have seen me struggling lately, which is unfortunate. I thought I hid my troubles better than I do and am saddened by the fact that I am letting things show. Work has been feeling like a burden, but I don’t want to go home either. When I have been home I have just felt drained and don’t get anything on my list accomplished. A and I are not communicating well and it feels to me we aren’t even together just cohabitating. I haven’t wanted to write about the problems because it seems like that’s all I do is dwell on what’s going wrong, what I am unhappy about. There’s no resolution and when I came home today I asked A to find a sitter for later on today so we could go out to lunch and talk or something because I can’t keep quiet anymore. He’s still sleeping. It’s quarter to 1. I asked him this over two hours ago. I want things to work with him and I am trying my hardest to work things out together but it has been feeling one sided and I am tired of putting forth the efforts if I am the only one. I might write about the specific issues later (nothing huge, honestly. I’ve just let it build up and up and up and am at a breaking point) but I need to have that conversation with him first.

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about quilting, but not doing it. I am working on these aprons for Christmas presents and tree skirts too, but I can’t find all the supplies I need for them in this town. I wish I knew someone who was a real sewer who could help me with these but I don’t and my mom’s a quilter like I am (better than I am at this point) I don’t get how to follow patterns, how silly is that? You’d think if you have some sewing know how you could cross apply anything but I can’t!! I am stuck with quilting for the moment though because I won’t let myself move on until I finish this. It’s all too expensive to buy fabric and not finish a project before moving onto something else.

I wish that I had more money than we do so that I could be at home more often and maybe that would help us have a happier home. I would work harder at cleaning the house if I didn’t have to clean work so much and work so many hours outside of the home. I always thought I’d be with someone who could provide for me and that I would work because I wanted to. I never thought I’d be supporting the family with his income supplementing mine. I will admit our pay checks are about the same but I also have all of us on my insurance (therefore out of my check) life insurance, a 401K and stock investment coming out of my check. I know A won’t be able to provide for me in retirement the way we are going now so I am trying to provide for both of us and save up for things…he’s such a spender.

I also wish I could afford nicer quilt fabric and to do and spend more on quilting itself. I have so many ideas and plans and hopes for quilting that I just can’t keep up with it. I know I have been writing about quilts a lot lately. It’s easier to think about that and work on those than it is to work on relationships and so much more fun than cleaning house. I have designed three quilts loosely based on pictures I have seen, or rather inspired by with indeed stealing some details (so I don’t think I can sell or take credit for them since I did use ideas already in print) I wish I was more like my mom where her husband (my dad) provided and what she earned was for herself and for fun stuff for all of us. She has no problem going to a quilt shop and buying kits and any fabric she likes. I have to think long and hard about it.

For example I just bought a kit online at Joann’s (where I get all my fabric, I can’t go to the nice shops even thought they have higher quality fabric, more selection, and more help from the staff) and I spent about a month looking at it wanting to get it but waiting for some extra money and even when we had that money, I asked A first. He doesn’t ask me first but that’s a whole different issue. There are three books I want on quilting, but am too embarrassed to ask A for them. I want Quilt Pink, Quilting 101, and Simply Strips and Squares. I’d like some Jelly rolls and/or Charm Packs to go along with that last one, but I don’ think I can get that all for myself. Maybe my gift exchange person this year, or mom, or AJ or A. or maybe I will buy it for myself and wrap it up so I have SOMETHING under the tree this year. The kit I got from Joann’s is going under the tree. I am worried that if I don’t get myself some things it will be disappointing this year again! I want to give R and then A great Christmases but I need to take care of myself too. I know my mom always got herself things and I never knew how she could stand to know what was wrapped up for her (by her) under the tree but now I know. If she didn’t there might not be much for her! Plus this is how I have been justifying paying so much for things I don’t NEED!

I should go now and try to cheer myself up. Any ideas?

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