Tuesday, July 29, 2008

a case of melancholy

I am in a really bad funk right now. I have been for a while, but I keep trying to ignore it. I am so frustrated with my customers at work, and that’s not a healthy place to be, especially when trying to advance in a company. I am short with R, and I really hate myself for that. I don’t know what’s wrong, I don’t know how to get out of it, I don’t know what to do!

I’d like to pinpoint the heart of the problem, but not knowing what it is, I can’t and therefore I can’t come up with a solution. I think some compounding factors are:
I am lonely
I am depressed
I am bored

A doesn’t spend much time with me, and gives me very little attention or affection. The stuff he gives me is either seeking sex, or trying to get a rise out of me. I can’t joke around with him and I can’t stand being teased because I feel so cruddy about myself as is. I have such low self esteem right now, I have such low expectations for myself and I can’t even live up to those. I spend so much time alone, and you’d think being so bored and lonely I’d do house work, or I’d find a project I love (quilting) but I just can’t pick myself up, I can’t do the things I’d like to do.

I feel bad for R, I feel like I am shorting her, like I am not giving her her mother. Thank goodness she is such an independent soul and can entertain and play with herself. If needed she could raise herself and be a great child, but I do try to give to her what I can. I worry in the future it won’t be enough, I worry that if I gave her more than I have she’d be doing so much better than she is, but I don’t know how to give her that.

A always asks me “why do you always want to do something?” Well honey, because I never do anything, because I don’t have anyone other than you to do things with, because I hate being at home, alone (with R) day in and day out, because I hate that you go out all the time, leaving me home alone, and therefore never let me go out. Because I have no friends.

I really need to feel loved, I need to feel like I am important to A. I need him to show me affection. I need him to go back the sweet guy I met and feel in love with. I know people change, but he hasn’t given me anything lately (I mean emotionally or as a physical gift). He brings home food because I can’t bring myself to clean the dishes and therefore won’t cook (even though I used to get such pleasure in making him and R meals, I even made her all her baby food!) Why should I clean if no one ever comes over and if he never even spends time at home. Why should I cook for him if he’s not even home to eat it? It doesn’t help that he doesn’t do anything around the house period, so the few things I do do go mostly unnoticed and unfinished because I need him to help. For example I folded all the laundry this weekend to please him, and it’s all sitting on the floor of our room…well his is, I put mine away.

How do I communicate this all to him without him feeling attacked? How do I make myself happy, because ultimately it’s up to me, I am the only one who can truly make myself happy, as much as my happiness is tied into how I am treated and how I perceive myself in relation to A and others around us, but it’s up to me, and I just can’t get there.

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