a case of melancholy

I am in a really bad funk right now. I have been for a while, but I keep trying to ignore it. I am so frustrated with my customers at work, and that’s not a healthy place to be, especially when trying to advance in a company. I am short with R, and I really hate myself for that. I don’t know what’s wrong, I don’t know how to get out of it, I don’t know what to do!

I’d like to pinpoint the heart of the problem, but not knowing what it is, I can’t and therefore I can’t come up with a solution. I think some compounding factors are:
I am lonely
I am depressed
I am bored

A doesn’t spend much time with me, and gives me very little attention or affection. The stuff he gives me is either seeking sex, or trying to get a rise out of me. I can’t joke around with him and I can’t stand being teased because I feel so cruddy about myself as is. I have such low self esteem right now, I have such low expectations for myself and I can’t even live up to those. I spend so much time alone, and you’d think being so bored and lonely I’d do house work, or I’d find a project I love (quilting) but I just can’t pick myself up, I can’t do the things I’d like to do.

I feel bad for R, I feel like I am shorting her, like I am not giving her her mother. Thank goodness she is such an independent soul and can entertain and play with herself. If needed she could raise herself and be a great child, but I do try to give to her what I can. I worry in the future it won’t be enough, I worry that if I gave her more than I have she’d be doing so much better than she is, but I don’t know how to give her that.

A always asks me “why do you always want to do something?” Well honey, because I never do anything, because I don’t have anyone other than you to do things with, because I hate being at home, alone (with R) day in and day out, because I hate that you go out all the time, leaving me home alone, and therefore never let me go out. Because I have no friends.

I really need to feel loved, I need to feel like I am important to A. I need him to show me affection. I need him to go back the sweet guy I met and feel in love with. I know people change, but he hasn’t given me anything lately (I mean emotionally or as a physical gift). He brings home food because I can’t bring myself to clean the dishes and therefore won’t cook (even though I used to get such pleasure in making him and R meals, I even made her all her baby food!) Why should I clean if no one ever comes over and if he never even spends time at home. Why should I cook for him if he’s not even home to eat it? It doesn’t help that he doesn’t do anything around the house period, so the few things I do do go mostly unnoticed and unfinished because I need him to help. For example I folded all the laundry this weekend to please him, and it’s all sitting on the floor of our room…well his is, I put mine away.

How do I communicate this all to him without him feeling attacked? How do I make myself happy, because ultimately it’s up to me, I am the only one who can truly make myself happy, as much as my happiness is tied into how I am treated and how I perceive myself in relation to A and others around us, but it’s up to me, and I just can’t get there.

my weekend

Today R and I ran a bunch of errands. We were trying to find some clothes for the Relay For Life that is happening next weekend. The theme is Rodeo, which is awesome since we are in the great state we are in, but it’s hard too. Not very many places cater to that theme, especially not in a town that wants to become more city-like and more sophisticated than it really is. We went to the three department stores (Macys, Penny’s, and Dillard’s) We also went to Target, and just because what rodeo ensemble would be set without cowboy boots (especially on a two year olds feet, how cute would that be?) a shoe store. No luck, but in Vanity (a trendy teeny-bopper/college kid store) I did score a new pair of work pants and a cute tank. They did have a few shirts that might do, but were a little expensive and I want to keep looking for something less expensive and see if I can find something I would wear just for fun too. Tomorrow, or sometime soon, we will hit up the second hand stores and Ross, maybe Wal-Mart (although we always walk out with more than we need from there and I always feel guilty buying there!)

This weekend was the local fair, and we had a blast. A and I took R to it, and I wanted to show her the animals, but it was so hot, and so crowded (well for where we are and for a two year old without a stroller.) She went on a few rides all by herself. She is not her mothers daughter, though I guess my mom said that she takes after her grandfather. She LOVED the roller coaster (I tried to go on it with her, but she is too independent and had fun) and the little cars driving around in circles. She also went on the ferris wheel with A (I am terrified of heights, my heart stopped each time they went up!) A said she let go at the top and she waved at me a lot. She and I went on the carousel and she didn’t want me to hold her once we got going (the first few times around she was ok with it, but once she knew she’d go up and down and we would go around she was fine!) I have such a brave little girl.

I am worn out to the core, and wish I could take some vacation time. I have 43 hours or so, but I am trying to save it up for when we move/if we move with work. I might take a few hours of it and my personal day just so I can have a long weekend or something, but I am not sure. I have a semi-consistent schedule these next few weeks, where I have Friday and sat off for three weeks strait. If that doesn’t help I might take a few days off. I need to recharge my batteries, take care of my house and myself.

I am looking for a few quilt patterns, this is an open call to anyone who may have them, or knows where I might find them. Some of these are patterns I really like, others I have started, and a few I have bought fabric for and lost the pattern:
McCall’s Quilting-April 2005-Garden Path
American Patchwork Quilting-August 2004-Gypsy Dancer
Quilters World-February 2004-Butterfly Beauty
Quilters World-April 2003-A Walk Through the Garden; Ring Around the Rosy; Snug as a Bug; Chelsea Quilt Set

Any help trackign these down would be much appreciated!

unrun erands

A and I have a date on Thursday. One of my co-workers will watch R, and I think the two of them will have a good time together. I was hoping to go out and get a nice dress or something sexy and cute and fun for the date. I don’t have a lot of nice things in my closet and I really want to treat this as a real date, make myself feel special and dressed up and, well you know, girly. I was going to do it today, but…well I think this needs it’s own paragraph.

A and I have been talking about getting a dishwasher. He won’t do the dishes, and I will do them to a point, once he uses five or six dishes in one night and leave them around the house is where I stop doing the dishes and ask him to do them…it never happens. I was told to check out a local big box like store for counter top ones, which will have to go each night but use the kitchen sink and since we are renting it’s a nice option, and we might even be able to use it wherever we go. I also want to see what the home stores have to offer, but we need something that’s portable. We might even be willing to leave one here if it’s a rather large one, like what my parents used to have, on wheels with a counter-like top. Ahh a dishwasher.

We were going to go out after he got up, and when I let him sleep in, I was in the wrong (although I’d rather be in this wrong than think he really wanted me to get him up when he doesn’t want to but knows he has to.) We never went to the store, we never got to run errands, and so I didn’t want to go out and try to find a nice outfit with the princess, who has been challenging to take to stores by myself. She’s just too interested in exploring and creating her own adventures she is hard to keep track of! I can’t wait until she’s three and we can sign her up for dance, and little kids sports, and gymnastics (one at a time!!) so she can have an outlet for her energy and curiosity.

I guess she and I can go tomorrow, if I have the right mind set I can keep tabs on her, I just don’t know what I want to wear on the date. I was looking forward to doing something special.