oh dear

I haven’t posted over here in a while but I thought it was time I did. A and I are going through a really rough patch and I was very very close to leaving him. I actually had told my parents I wanted out. Two days latter I got some news that changes everything…at least I hope it will. We are expecting. I am only about 6-7 weeks along right now but still, I got a yes on the little pee stick. I finally used the doc find for my insurance and will be calling someone tomorrow. I want to see my midwife again but she’s not covered and we are not in a financial position to pay extra to get who I want right now. I do almost feel like I am cheating on her by choosing another midwife though.

I am not excited to tell my parents, but I know I will have to sooner or latter, and the sooner the earlier they can get over it right? I know they are going to ask what was I thinking and what not. I can’t have an abortion, it’s just a personal choice I cannot make. I am not pro-life, well I am but not to the point that I am anti pro-choice, I just can’t do it myself but I understand why someone would and I respect and honor that choice.

A lot of our relationship problems have come from the loss of our son. I can’t believe the nurse let it slip that it was a boy but I am glad to have known for closure. Some of you may remember, we lost him at thirteen weeks gestation and had a D & C to remove his remains (it was a missed miscarriage, or an incomplete miscarriage…I forget what they called it but his body had started to calcify within me) anyways, that loss caused a rift between us that we couldn’t fix on our own. Not that a new child or a new pregnancy will solve it, but it did open his eyes that this is a relationship he does want to work on and save.

He is going to get some insurance help from his work and see someone, and we will see someone together.

I anticipate the question “how did you let this happen?” Well…R was conceived with a misused or old condom, our son was conceived while I was on a low dose hormone pill that I was taking because the high dose/normal stuff made me MOODY! I was most recently using the nuva ring and really liked it’s convince and the way it dispensed hormones, they didn’t affect my mood much, but we hadn’t had sex in over four months because we had both hurt each other so badly that I wasn’t keeping as close a track when to put it in and take it out like I normally had been. I don’t think it was more than four weeks in (which technically is one more than they say but my doc said it can work up to 5 weeks in one out and I was trying to save a little money) after this one, I am getting mirena or another IUD for 5 years!