really frustraited

Please beware this is going to be a rather negative post, and aimed mostly at A, but not that he’s the problem entirely, but he is not part of the solution.

I got my tips today, and what happened? I spent it all. That’s right, I spent all my tips that were supposed to be saved up for our trip. Why? Well, I needed gas in the car, and that was a good chunk of it. A wanted a new work shirt, and we had to get some anniversary cards, a graduation card, some potting soil, and that’s where everything went. Why is it so much, and worse off why is it that I can’t spend money without having a panic attack and regret over every purchase. A has spent $220 so far this month not including his tips, my tips…what the hell!! I guess the dollar amount doesn’t surprise or upset me, just the fact that there’s no regret about it on his end. I am jealous and wish that I had that freedom.

I am not a sexist, but I feel like the man should be able to support the family. I don’t mind contributing, I don’t mind supplementing, and even if he could support the family by himself I would work, but I am worn out to the core, I am exhausted, I am stressed, and I am doing everything for the house too. I am cleaning, cooking…well I haven’t been doing that the past few days because I cleaned the kitchen and it’s sparkling I’d rather not mess it up to clean again =) I am working 40+ hours a week, and I am doing all the parenting. A gets to do the fun stuff and I am encouraging him to take her out and do things with her, but I am the disciplinarian, I am the ritual setter, I am the potty trainer. Tonight for example, A was trying to get R down for night night because he wanted to. Well it’s two hours later and she’s still screaming because he didn’t want to follow the routine, he wanted to do something special. He left and told me to call when she’s down. Thanks honey! I have to work at 5 am tomorrow, it’s 9:30!!

With this promotion that I am going for, I know I will be working about 40 hours a week, it won’t be consistent hours, but I think the move and the raise and the change of…everything, will be good for us. In the mean time I am just feeling overwhelmed, over worked, over exhorted. I am really looking forward to some time off of work. I need a break. If we don’t get this promotion this time there will be another opportunity in probably November that I will go for, and I will take some vacation time to just unwind, take care of the house and to take care of myself. If I get it I will take the same time off to pack and move things. It’s been a while since I have had some personal time. I need it. I think it will help my outlook.

A has agreed to have a sit down after we get back from vacation to figure out some new money problems. We will set a date, find a babysitter, do it somewhere other than home, and not a nice restaurant or somewhere else that might be crowded. We will be rested, and…we need it.
Tomorrow I have a short shift, just under 6 hours, and R and I will walk home so A can take the car to work (I get off at 10:45 he works at 11...so he will walk down and trade the car for the stroller) hopefully he will take R out for either a dinner date or some play time and I can clean the living room and her room. That’s my hopes and goals for tomorrow. I will write him a note and tape it to the TV and ask him for that. I see it happening unless he picked up an evening shift too, that would be another hope for tomorrow, which would bring my cleaning down to just the living room. Or the laundry.

I feel better, I just wish I had a plan of action.